Quotes

Josh: Man, I would freak out if I saw a spaceship land in my backyard and some alien came out.
Michael: Man I would run the fuck away. They would be like illegally aliens and shit.
Trae: (just walked in): Who would be illegal?
Micheal: The aliens!
Trae: The illegal aliens?....Are you guys talking about the Mexicans?

"I'm so hungry, I could eat a fat chick."
-Darin

"I don't get the whole fellatio with the tongue ring. I don't beat off with a BB."
-Ryan from DePaul

Lisa: Fuck you!
Mike: Not now. I'm installing Linux.

Carolyn: To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.
Shaun: I'm impotent.
Carolyn: I'll take your word on it.

Kristen: Ahhhh, I can't stop.
Shaun: Can't stop what?
Kristen: Being stupid. It's like I just keep getting worse.
Christin: Argh! There are no words that begin with the letter K!
Maria: There aren't!?
-During a game of Scattergories with an "English as a Second Language" player

"You should become a Pearl Girl, it sounds very luxurious."
-Garrett, to his friend Julie during a tampon commercial

" Nothing makes stupid people MORE stupid like alcohol."
-Dr. Bray, Philosophy professor at Southwestern University

"Hey Einstein, you've got some great ideas, but can you blow shit up?"
-Dr. Bray on American values

"Dude, just go ahead and ram her, you're wearing sunglasses and I'll cover my face. She'll never know it's us."
-Chris, trying to get the DD to hit a hated professor

" When we get there we first have to assess a) the amount of alcohol remaining and b) the ratio of guys to...us."
-Elizabeth

"I'm so happy I could kiss a gay guy."
-Dave, after removing himself from a sticky situaion

"Eye irritant? No shit! Not being able to open your eye for the rest of your life would be pretty irritating."
-Mike, reading the warning on a bottle of Superglue

Elizabeth: Hey! That's my underwear!
Christin: Hey! That's MY underwear!
-Dormmates discovering that panty raids against the person you room with don't work well

Cameron: College is alot like a big campsite. Everyone just goes from camp to camp and hangs out.
Chris: Yeah and every once in a while you get someone to sleep in your tent.
Cameron: Yeah, but sometimes you get attacked by a bear.

Steve: Ten weeks left of college.
Lisa: And then what?
Steve: And then...something else. It's like diffusing a bomb: if you cut the wrong wire, you cut and then something else.

"A true pimp must always have a deeper understanding of what his lady friend wants."
-Dreya's little brother Jason

" Man, I'm fucked up like a left-handed baseball bat."
-Curt, inebriated

"That dumpster does NOT belong here."
-Ruby, lost while driving in a really expensive neighborhood

"The house is full of empty people!"
-Jim realizing he and his friend were the only ones left at the party

Marc: It wasn't a real wet willy. It was more of a metaphysical wet willy.
Matt: Yeah, I felt that one in my soul.

Jason: I would be weirded out about going into a porno shop.
Kevin: What? Why? Are you afraid of porn?
Jason: No, I'm afraid of jizz.

Lisa: Ya know, Shavon, just because you have a hole in your body doesn't mean you should stick something into it.
Shavon: But it feels good!
-Shavon, looking for something to scratch the inside of her ear

"As long as you get to lick her tongue, it's all good."
-Jeff, on dating

Krystal: You guys are alcoholics.
Jay: No, alcoholics wake up and need to drink, I wake up and want to drink. There is a vast difference.

Robert: Hey, do you know anywhere around here we can go for fun?
Tina: Yeah, go to Wal-mart.