Quotes

"I can make a few selective comments about your excessive weight, and you'll develop an eating disorder."
-Pat

" STOP THE BUS and let my friend Jack off!!!"
-Ricky

"If I wouldn't have made this quote.. someone else would have."
-Eli B.

"You don't have an STD until your diagnosed."
-Ryan from UNA, on hooking up at will

"When I have a kid, I'm going to go to the mall, put him into a double stroller, and run around looking frantic."
-Tricia, who apparently already knows what sex her unborn child is going to be

"I'm just a man trying to graduate."
-Dave

"You don't eat chicken wings? What, is that a Jewish thing?"
-Sandra, to her Jewish roommate

"You HAVE to have sex with me cause I'm horny and you're my best friend!"
-Sandra, to her best friend Chris after getting anxious at a gay stripclub

" Hey, she can't be as stupid as I look!"
-Mike, mixing up insults and turning them towards himself

"Cornography! Naked corn. Off the cob. No butter. No salt. Just naked corn. Just laying there."
-Beth, building excitement for "cornography"

" They may be the best team in Delaware, but they're not the best team in the state."
-Coach Sievic, at halftime, on why his team should be winning

" Well, if they won't take it back, we'll all just have to go over there and gang bang them!"
-Tracy J., on avenging a parking ticket at the campus police station

"I have carpal tunnel from masturbating."
-Ty, explaining the soreness in his wrist

Joe: I know that you probably already know this, but you need to screw the milk lid on tight.
Shane: Why? Did I leave it open?
Joe: What? No.

"I just don't do little boys."
-Tracy J., trying to decline an invitation to formal from a friend's younger brother

“How many people are going to believe that a black guy is breaking into his own car?”
-Tim, explaining why he couldn’t break into his car after locking his keys in there
" Are you been drinking?"
-Joe

Jeremy: How long to you think we'll be at this party?
Dave: Probably until we leave.
" Kudos to Hannah for parking in the Alzheimer's assisted living parking lot."
-Sam

" Drunk guys are so hard to get in bed!"
-Erika, trying to put her friends to sleep after a party

"Dude, we had deep conversation."
-Zan, on her newest boy interest

"A little pain never hurt anyone."
-Charla

"And you're the ant!"
-Vickie, discussing how the penis looks like an anteater

"I think I had rough sex last night."
-Jessica, while hungover

Mercer: Cotton huh. Do they still grow that?
Sean: I think so.
Mercer: Well then who picks it?

"Shit, I'd want to hook up with everyone if I was in the girl Navy."
-Michelle from UC Davis

"Could you stop changing lipstick colors. My dick is starting to look like a rainbow."
-Kirk, to his gf

"It's like a computerized puppet."
-Richard, trying to explain a cartoon character while high

"Books are cool...they give you ideas and shit."
-Professor Chand

Michelle: Dude what if someone paid you $1000 to stop drinking?
Sam: Are you kidding? I woulndt stop drinking for a million dollars, alcohol is priceless!!

" The Indians came to America through the Bearing Straight in 1320 and they said 'Man it's cold up here, let's go down south'. I don't know how they knew where south was, but they did. And all they wanted to do was plant corn and have sex. And when the pilgrims came to persecute them, they said 'All we want to do is plant corn and have sex.'"
-Professor Kelly

" If my last name was Tang, I'd so name my daughter Poon."
-Professor Lane

"I'm being cock-blocked by everything I've always wanted to be and I'm not, and its not fair!!"
-Jeff, whining while horny and drunk

Ashley: Trae you need to decided which girl you want be with, me or that other BITCH! You can't have your cake and eat it to!
Trae: Look, I can have my cake and eat it too....I'll just workout afterwards.